The Roommonster Era Comes to a Close

Okay guys, I know it's been a while since I've posted but calm down. I'm alive and well and I finally finished this Spring Semester so you have my full attention. Also, I dyed and cut my hair so I somehow got even BETTER looking since last time we spoke. So that's something.

Anyway, The funny thing about people is that no matter how much you might try to leave them, they rarely actually disappear from your life. When I moved out of the dorms and officially stopped living with my roommonsters about 12 days ago, I assumed the year and the nightmares that came with it would all vanish into thin air. No more talking about, thinking about, or living with the memories of the time of my life that will henceforth be referred to as The Roommonster Era. Unfortunately, as busy as I've become with my summer tutoring job and exciting MIB training with Adrian, I'm still a bit fixated on my time in the suite with the "roomies." In fact, saying I'm a bit fixated is a gross understatement. So I thought and I thought with my attractive new hair about how one might go about moving on and letting go. I came to the conclusion that I'm lacking what one might call "closure" and it's time to get me some of that wherever it is. Might as well start with some list making, because that's what all the adults do in the voice over part at the end of movies where they summarize thier experiences and why it all mattered.

Here's what I've taken from this years experiences. The good and the bad.

1. If I never see, hear about, or come into contact with a minion related ANYTHING from Despicable Me, I will be a happy and content individual. There were WAY too many minion references and paraphernalia in that suite considering most of them were between the ages of 23-25 years old.
2. My room mates were all older than me, and half of them were Child Development majors. They sounded like they should have been ATTENDEES at a child development center rather than employees. This was a red flag, and I should have picked up on it from the beginning. I've got to be more aware!
3. Cleaning is important. It's that simple. I don't want to live with strangers who can't clean up after themselves. 
4. Loving yourself is even MORE important. Turning to others for constant validation and support isn't a healthy behavior. On top of that it's annoying. Having lived with four people who didn't love themselves and looked to each other (as well as me) to love themselves for them I can say first hand how ineffective and unrealistic that expectation is. 
5. Emotions are exhausting and completely necessary, but being OVERLY emotional is counterproductive. Group crying on the kitchen floor about your childhood on a regular basis is an excellent example of that concept. I learned that I'm not the most emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent person on this planet, but I was definitely more emotionally prepared than I originally thought before moving into the dorms. 

There I did it. It's done. I may not have found closure but I made a list and I'm now one list closer to closure than I was before. Trying saying "closer to closure" 5 times fast eh? Hopefully I can cry a river, build a bridge, and get the hell over it SOON for the sake of myself and the well being of my relationships with others. For now, I'll try and focus on more interesting things, like being a tutor and training to be a man in black!

As I mentioned before Adrian is working on MIB training with me. We call it MIB training because calling it "exercise" is way less fun and inspiring. I've also always assumed since childhood that Tommy Lee Jones would eventually show up at my door step and whisk me away to New York where we would practice intergalactic law enforcement together. So it all works out in the end. And Tommy, if you're reading this, we still have time to make it work. I'll accept Will as a replacement, but it just wouldn't be the same. Besides, I'm still waiting on Will to show up so we can go defeat Dr. Loveless in the wild wild west. But I digress. 

We've had two MIB training sessions so far. So far I think we are managing it pretty well. Only a tiny bit of arguing but even that has gotten significantly better since session one. Guys, we are totally crushing it. I'm pretty proud. I'm super sore because I take the "no movement is good movement" approach to down time. It's been worth it though. Definitely building up some muscles that have silly names that sound made up. 

Overall, this summer is panning out to be one interesting and fulfilling new era. Employment, MIB training, new ginger hair. Let's see if I can keep this going.

Until next time, I'll leave you with this exceptional photoshop job of my new hair and elf sized adrian on my shoulder. Yeah guys, I totally understand the internet now.

Shrek Taught Me To Love Myself, Good One Shrek!

It may surprise you to know that I think about things outside of my current living situation, but I do. Shocking, I know! I can hear all of you gasping as you Macaulay Culkin your faces and wonder, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT?! But every once in a while I have something genius to say outside of room mates, TV shows, and my ever growing awesomeness. Today, it's about how ever growingly awesome we ALL are. And no, that's NOT the same thing as me being awesome because ME is a unit in WE so there!

I was in bed trying to sleep last night when this thought came to me that really shouldn't have seemed as brilliant as it did. I thought to myself, The more time you spend worrying about what others think of you, the less time you have available to devote to worrying about what YOU think of you.  Well sleepy me was right, and she was looking extra beautiful and intelligent. See I've worked really hard to get to a point in my life where worrying about others isn't as much of an issue. If a stranger thinks I look bad, or do something stupid, it doesn't matter. Furthermore, If a friend thinks something negative for the most part I'm good with it. I've come to a point in my life where I don't worry about others opinions of me, and it's liberating.

Here's what I have to say to you. At the end of it all you have to be able to live with who you are and who you become. You and no one else! And not to go all "Ogre's are like onions" on you all, but it's true. We have layers, even us non-ogre types (though I can be an ogre in the morning). So what's the point in defining yourself over that top layer, fourth layer, or whichever layer you are currently worried about? If there's a layer that's been bothering you then you can work on it, but remember you got all those other awesome layers that are doing just fine! Your "problem" layers shouldn't define  you when all those other layers make you up as well. And if you're the one putting all the work into yourself and your problem layers, why should you care if a friend or random stranger thinks you aren't good enough? Can you even see all those great layers you got, or have you convinced yourself they don't exist? I think the secret we've been keeping from ourselves is that we ARE good enough. We can grown and change with time but at the end of the day we are good enough and we are awesome little onions... or ogres... or parfaits.

Another little secret we've been keeping from ourselves is that more often than not, people aren't really judging us. We are judging ourselves, while everyone else is too busy judging themselves to worry if we suck or not. 

People don't really tell us that we are good enough very often do they. I mean in a world like ours that is so keen on all the children getting trophies just for coming out and picking their noses on the bench, why aren't we so keen on reminding ourselves we're good enough? Is it that they're adorable little kids, and we are prone to protecting and nurturing their young bright needs? Is it that we think children's self esteem is important but adult self-esteem is silly? Have we simply abandoned ourselves in an attempt to save the young. Even airlines will tell you to put your mask on before assisting the child next to you, because if you can't breath how can you expect to help him swim ashore? When you feel good about yourself, you are more equipped to help the children in your life feel good about themselves. Model your self love, and they will follow in your foot steps. I'm fairly certain my genius runs out when it comes to understanding why we don't show the love for ourselves that we deserve. I simply don't get it at this point in my life. But here's what I do get: 

• I get that it's possible for us to improve and grow, and I get that it's important for us all to remember that growth and change can be beautiful valuable things. 
• I get that we are surrounding ourselves with criticism and negativity that stifles our knowledge of how awesome we already are. 
• I get that as a society we aren't even talking about how our weaknesses can be strengths. 
• I get that these are things our awesome society can improve upon. These are things I would say are our societies weaknesses as well as strengths.
  

If you are a sheep, you go ahead and really rock that sheep thing. Put on them hooves and sheep away! I'm completely serious despite my way of expressing myself. Sheep can be super useful. I wouldn't doubt it if at least once in human history someone has said, "Wow, I'm really thankful I had these sheep here. I wouldn't have been able to replenish the clothes I lost in that massive clothes fire otherwise! And wasn't it cool when the herd of sheep carried me out of the fire on their woolly little backs? Super awesome! Thanks sheep! I owe you my life!" ( or some other variation of that sentiment).

Now I struggle occasionally. I have moments where I have to put things on perspective to realize that I really like myself and it doesn't matter if someone I've met knows how cool I am. I have to remind myself that my awesome undiscovered crazy looking yellow spirit animal can be both my biggest strength as well as biggest weakness depending on how I choose to use it, and how I choose to learn from when I misuse it. But most of all I have to remind myself that I'm good enough as the crazy looking yellow undiscovered animal that I am.

Whether I'm struggling with my intelligence layer, or my physical appearance layer, or my talent layer, I approach it all the same way. I ATTACK my thoughts while my thoughts are attacking me. If I think something negative about my appearance, I counter it with a positive thought about my appearance. Then, I write it down and I put it up where I can see it every day, It serves to remind me that I've got awesome qualities. Awesome qualities that make me feel really good about myself no matter how down I am feeling.

I work hard, and I've overcome some impressive hurdles of my own. I manage to follow the code I've made for myself and I'm proud of who I am and what I do. One day I won't even have to work at it, I'll be so good at loving who I am that it won't take effort or reminders. I won't have to put up post-its that say "Nice thights!" or "Dat brain doe!" on my walls. It will be automatic, and it will be as beautiful as I am inside and out. That's my goal.

A tribute to my spirit animal.